Life's Rich Pageant
On asking myself "What would John do?"
Almost every week, for nearly ten years of adult life an email from John Szubski landed in my inbox. John was my husband’s first cousin once removed, which maybe made him my first cousin twice removed (if that’s even a thing?). Levels of removal aside, it was easiest to think of John as everyone’s uncle, as his emails were signed Uncle John or his shorthand version, UJAY.
Why, you might ask, was a semi-distant relative of my spouse sending me emails on a very regular basis. The short answer is that John was the family historian. He sent messages to a vast family email list on each person’s birthday. The email always detailed how that person was connected, by birth or marriage back to his grandparents.
The longer answer, is that John was a person who loved connecting the past with the present. A person who deeply knew the value of relationships, whether by birth or by choice. That impressive email list and catalog of birthdays extended well beyond the birth and marriage confines of what John called our Polish, Irish, Italian, Columbian family diaspora to include his chosen family of friends.
John was quite literally at every family event. He attended family weddings and graduations and christenings and baptisms and funerals. He travelled miles and miles to do this. His yearly holiday letters detailed all these events, as well as his quest to visit every continent and the county seat of all 3,143 counties in the United States. He was a proud 1965 graduate of the Naval Academy and returned frequently to Annapolis, Maryland from his home in New York City for alumni events.
John passed away in November 2021, while we were still in the midst of necessary restrictions on travel and large gatherings. So a celebration of life was planned for his next birthday. Family and friends (the diaspora, shall we say) gathered at the Naval Academy Officer’s Club for that celebration on July 3.
As the date to RSVP for the party approached, mid-June, my husband and I debated whether or not to go. We both thought so much of John, and felt like we knew some about the family members and friends that would be there through the emails. But due to moving away from Cleveland (where much of the family was based at the time) at a very young age, he doesn’t know that side of the family all that well. Also little logistical things popped into our heads, like would we be able to find a hotel on the holiday weekend, what would traffic through a notoriously miserable highway corridor (Interstate 95 through the Washington, DC area, if you’re familiar) be like. Mid-debating all these nit-picky little details, we both paused, took a breath and thought:
What would John do?
And then the answer was easy. He would RSVP yes. Get a hotel. Put on some great music and drive- traffic and hotel details be damned.
And that’s what we did. We checked into our hotel Saturday afternoon. We wandered Annapolis and sipped beer and ate tater tots covered in crab dip (which I have no idea if John would have liked, but I’m certain he would have appreciated our “when in Maryland, eat the crab dip” mentality). We went to mass at the Naval Academy chapel, where it happened to be the Sunday they were welcoming a new incoming class of midshipmen. I thought about John sitting in that same spot so many years ago. The choir sang Amazing Grace, which they may very well do every week, but I pretended it was just for us— just for Uncle John.
At the party we were welcomed with open arms, Polish food, Bloody Mary’s, and all the stories. I learned that John had the ritual of purchasing little miniature flags from every state he visited and a magnet from probably nearly every attraction he ever set foot in. I learned that he displayed the flags in his New York abode and that the magnets covered every inch of his refrigerator and the back of the metal door to his apartment. I learned about his life partner, Tim, who I never had the pleasure of meeting. I heard about trips he took with his nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews. I learned that he passed his Naval Academy sword on the the first transgender graduate of the academy. I learned that he had to visit Alaska twice, because they redistricted, and suddenly he hadn’t been to all the county seats.
What does any of this have to do with The Healthier Hustle, you ask? Everything, actually— because it is nothing if not a story about creating a life full of meaning and connection.
According to family, John frequently talked about “life’s rich pageant.”* Sure this was in reference to all the beauty in the world, but to my understanding, it was also in reference the big, hard, ugly stuff of life too. To live fully, to be well, in my mind has to do with experiencing it all. To seeking and prioritizing connections with family, chosen or by birth. To setting up your own personal rituals that are meaningful. To understanding the past AND being committed to change. To championing the next generation. John did all of that and so it feels important to share a bit about him here as a testament to a life well-lived.
May the pageants of all our lives be even half as rich as UJAY’s.
Things of Beauty
Just a few things that felt particularly soul-nourishing recently (or maybe just made me smile).
✒️ This Mary Oliver quote:
“Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.”
🎵 The song, Settling, by the band Ripe. It’s full-on summer here on the east coast of the US and this song just sounds like a road trip to me.
🎵 Going for two songs this week (because, as mentioned, ‘tis the season put on good music and just take those road trips)— Sweet Ever After, Ellie Holcomb (feat. Bear Rinehart). H/t to Sara Parker for bringing this one to my attention.
❤️ Family is asking for donations to USNA Out, for those who would like to contribute in John’s memory. It gives me hope that this organization exists and I celebrate the work John did to advocate change in his lifetime.
*Postscript: I googled “life’s rich pageant” to see if there might be an origin of the phrase, and it’s the title of an R.E.M album released in 1986. So perhaps this album was meaningful to John, or maybe he just liked the turn of phrase.
Such a rich reflection, and deep tribute. Loved that you not only honored him by relating aspects of his life, but internalized his thinking in reflecting whether to attend. He valued family connection, no matter how scattered and remote. He valued the details of history and their connection with the present. And by taking the risk and showing up, you honored his spirit of connection.
Mary Chris, I love this post. Thank you for sharing John's story and USNA Out. He sounds like a wonderful uncle and human. I wish we could have all known him!