Out of Balance, On Purpose
Just over here intentionally dropping the ball
I’ve never been a fan of work/life balance. At least not as the concept has historically been presented. This idea that we would have two separate sides of ourselves stacked neatly on either side of a fulcrum, one labeled LIFE and the other WORK is comically over-simplistic.
To start with, what’s even in the buckets? I suppose there are some clear things, like LIFE is family and friends and the things you do with them. It could also be your personal interests like travel or cooking or knitting. Maybe daily needs like feeding yourself and drinking water and moving your body could also find them selves in the LIFE bucket?
The WORK bucket would seem to be easily defined as the thing (or things) you are paid to do. But what if you have work that is meaningful and purposeful that you aren’t paid for? Are things like volunteer work or working toward building something that isn’t your primary thing yet (or maybe is never intended to be) considered WORK or LIFE?
Furthermore, it seems sort of arbitrary to put things like eating, exercising, and meditation in the LIFE bucket, because all those things deeply affect the WORK bucket, don’t they? Daily meditation and movement absolutely affects the level of creativity, focus and energy I bring to work, as well as my mood. And don’t get me started on the “lunch” meeting that seems to be completely normalized these days and the effect that not eating or shoving food in our mouths in the 10 minute break between Zoom calls has on our well-being.
All that to say the buckets don’t work. Life and work can’t just be neatly separated, contained, and balanced. Trying to achieve some perfect homeostasis actually just makes us more stressed, anxious, and un-well. In truth, this balance thing that purports to to make our lives better, richer, more full of satisfaction just adds additional pressure to an already impossible situation.
So if the balance metaphor is broken, what are some tangible things that we can do in service of navigating our multiple priorities in life and our own well-being? Here are some suggestions for where to start:
Think in seasons instead of buckets. There will be seasons when the focus needs to be the thing you are paid to do. Seasons when there is space to prioritize the side thing. Seasons when your people are the first and most absolute priority. Some of these seasons are predictable. For example, I know there are times in the academic year in which work will be incredibly consuming and times where there are natural breaks that make it easier to focus on projects outside of my academic work. When you’re in a particular season other areas may slide, but trust that they’ll get their turn, as the seasons change.
While we can typically plan for big things, like busy seasons at our paid work or life events when family and friends take precedence (structured things like graduations and weddings), we also need to acknowledge that some of these seasons can’t be planned. Think of these as the weather events that pop up, winter snow squalls and summer thunder storms, per se. Maybe you’ll end up be called on to step in and cover a big project for a colleague when you thought you’d be in a quiet season or you hear back about that article you pitched back when you had time to write it during a time when you definitely don’t. A friend or family member will deeply need you unexpectedly. There is no way to plan for it all, which brings me to the next suggestion . . .
Sometimes you have to drop the ball. Just let it go and let it stay right there on the ground. Maybe it’s the sort of thing that someone else can pick up and move it along, maybe you’ll be able to double-back and pick it up at some future point, or maybe the thing just doesn’t get done ever. It’s tough advice. It’s hard to cross those things I meant to do three months ago off my long-running to-do list. It feels like admitting defeat.
But here’s the reframe for that: it’s not defeat if you were never going to be able to juggle all those things in the first place.
There is this concept that we grossly overestimate what we can do in the short term and underestimate what we can do in the long term. This means we make ridiculous un-doable to-do lists for the week and will be amazed at the things we accomplish in ten years. Two things are at play here: it’s human nature to bite off more than we can chew AND in our individualistic, do more with less, optimization focused culture we are rewarded for saying yes to everything. Which is why letting some things fall away feels so very difficult.
There isn’t an easy way through this. We’re just going to have to stand in the discomfort of not doing all the things and breathe deeply into the tension it creates, until slowly some of the uneasiness starts to dissolve away. Building our courage and strength to push back against hustle culture one dropped ball at a time.
Establishing your non-negotiables and prioritizing them can help with the resilience it takes to let things go. What are the things that give you energy? Help you feel most like yourself? Help you feel well? Another way to think about this is what are the things you start to feel a little “off” if you’re not doing regularly?
These don’t have to be big things. In fact typically they aren’t giant time consuming tasks but instead small daily habits. For me it’s getting enough sleep, writing, exercising, meditating, and drinking water. Also, not multitasking my lunch- but I already mentioned that. While I can be flexible with these things (as in, I like to do at least 15 minutes of meditation but could do 10 in a pinch or exercise doesn’t have to be an hour long run, 30 minutes of walking also works) I try very hard to not go too many days in a row without doing them at all.
Prioritizing this means I do most of these things in the morning before I start my work day. I typically get up around 5:00am to make this happen, which means to keep my sleep a priority I try very, very hard to be in bed by 9:00am at the latest. This works really well for me, but it may not work for you. While you’ll see lots of recommendations about morning being the best time to do these quiet soul-filling activities (I’m looking at you #4amwriters), I’m a firm believer that the best time to do them is at the time that you will actually do them. Figure that out and then make that time a priority.
Whatever season you’re in right now, if you take nothing else away from this today— please be gentle with your out-of-balence self and let go of at least one of those balls you’re juggling. There are too many, and you were never meant to handle them all on your own.
Breath in.
Exhale completely.
And let it drop.
Beautiful Thing of the Week
Just one little something lovely this week (read last week’s longer list here):
🌷Tulips! (Seen on one of those non-negotiable walks):
What are your thoughts on balance? What’s on your non-negotiable list? Anything you need to just drop this week? Tell me about it!
Not me singing "there's a hole in the bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry." ;) But/and/also thank you for the reminder to not multi-task my lunch.
Since I've moved to my own little office space instead of general co-working, I find myself bringing lunch from home more instead of going out (which is great for a lot of reasons!) and taking it to my little office to eat...while I watch a video, or tackle emails, or generally do anything but focusing on enjoying and chewing my food.