Small Gratitudes
And other things that combat our propensity toward negativity
Some years ago I needed to have a little mole/skin tag thing removed from the inside of my upper arm. I put it off, and put it off, and put it off because I absolutely knew that it was going to be SO painful. When I finally summoned the courage and showed up at the dermatologist’s office for the procedure- I felt the cool swipe of the alcohol wipe against my skin and the prick of the tiny injection of anesthetic. I braced myself for the procedure.
“All done,” the doctor said. All done? But that couldn’t be right? I hadn’t felt anything? Except, now she was putting a BandAid on the spot and explaining that I’d want to keep if covered until a scab formed, and . . . why did it take me the better part of six months (read: a year) to show up for something that hurt less than plucking my eyebrows?
I have countless stories like this. About pushing off some project on my house because I thought it would be expensive. Delaying car work because I was sure I wouldn’t be taken seriously by the mechanic. Putting off basically any conversation that I think will be difficult.
This tendency to assume the worst outcome comes from a natural negativity bias that we all have. Much like how the stress response exists to help us fight, flee, or freeze in moments of danger and has served a really important role our preservation as a species— negativity bias also developed as a way to help us predict and avoid danger. No one would argue that it’s important to protect yourself from situations that might be dangerous and and that to do so, having some awareness of things that could go wrong can be key. For example, I tend to look both ways even before crossing a one-way street, because you never know when someone might be going the wrong way (more common than you would think, based on unscientific observations from my kitchen window overlooking a busy intersection).
But what about the ways in which this negativity bias isn’t helpful. Where assuming something will hurt, or be expensive, or go poorly actually keeps us from doing things that would be healthy and affirming for us. Here are three things I’ve been trying out to overcome my tendency to assume the negative:
Equanimity- I’ve mentioned this before here and I’ll likely mention it again. This idea that things can exist without being good or bad, positive or negative, painful or pleasant just feels really prescient to me. Trying to just look at a situation without placing any judgement on how it will unfold helps keep me a little more calm in anticipation of things that have the potential to feel difficult. For example: I need to call about the noise my car is making instead of I need to call about that noise and I’m not going to be able to explain it or know the answers to their questions, and the person I’m talking to will make me feel ignorant. I actually have no idea what will happen when I call. The only true thing is that need to call because my car is making a noise.
Tiny gratitude - I get gratitude as a practice, I really, really do. I absolutely think that carving out time to think about things that we are grateful for can help re-wire our thought patterns away from some of this tendency to see or assume the worst. I also find it really helpful to remember that while gratitude certainly can be for the BIG stuff, sometimes that doesn’t feel so accessible. Gratitude can also be for the teeny, tiny stuff. Like two tiny yellow flowers poking through a crack in the sidewalk. Or just the right mix of cream in your coffee. Or that squirrel you watched eat an acorn with both it’s tiny hands (like the perfect emoji squirrel pose). These tiny noticings can be just as powerful in shifting the way our brain is wired for negativity.
Noticing and reframing - And speaking of noticing. Being aware of my thoughts and noticing when I’m defaulting to something negative, is also something I’m working on. I believe some article or textbook I’ve owned over the years calls this metacognition or thinking about thinking. Pair this with the attempt to then question and reframe those thoughts and you’ve got the basics for behavior change. I’ve found it works for me to notice the negative thought and then employ my favorite friend equanimity. Is this actually going to go poorly? Not necessarily. All I actually know right now that is that it is going to go.
One additional thing I want to mention here (let’s call it point three and a half) is discernment. There are lots of little moments in my life, as mentioned in all the examples above, where I’ve let a bias toward the negative stop my forward progress in a detrimental way. What I’m talking about here is how to stop waiting a year for molehill medical procedure because I made it into a mountain in my head. What I’m not talking about is ignoring that deep gut feeling that indicates something being deeply off or wrong or dangerous. What I want to work on developing instead is the discernment between those automatic negative thoughts that have no actual bearing and the deeper ones that are actually serving the purpose of being helpful and self-preserving.
So here’s to a little more equanimity, lots of tiny gratitudes, and some quality reframing.
Things of Beauty
Just a few things that felt particularly soul-nourishing recently (or maybe just made me smile).
This Spicy Sauce! It’s been a go-to for me lately. I like to eat this with a side of broccoli and let the sauce slip over onto that, as well. (*note: I bake my tofu per this method and then toss it in the sauce, instead of pan-frying).
This interview with Tom Hanks on the podcast Dead Eyes. It’s a really poignant look at how a moment can shift the direction of our lives (including a moment of rejection).
I love Happify’s videos about well-being and this one about sleep is no exception. Great practical tips and fun illustrations.
These tiny persistent flowers (as mentioned above):
Would love to know what resonates with you here— do you have things you do to push back, even ever so slightly, on a tendency toward negativity? What tiny beautiful things are you noticing lately?
I loved reading this, Mary Chris! The flowers on the sidewalk especially! There's a quote by Helen Macdonald (who wrote "H is for Hawk" and "Vesper Flights") where she talks about parochialism as "the attendance to small things." I think often about the tiny gratitude and attendance to small things that comes when the sun peaks out from behind clouds after a particularly long stretch of cloudy, rainy days. Watching the chickadees playing on the pile of woodchips in the backyard. The first flowers of the season I could buy at the local general store (granted, for $25 / bunch, but still! flowers!)
I love how you define equanimity for us and balance it with noticing and reframing. And the links that followed!