When It Makes Sense to You, But Not to Anyone Else
Thoughts on living in congruence
I find myself thinking about congruence a lot for someone who isn't a mathematician or scientist. In fact, I use the term so much in a different context that when I just googled it in search of an official definition, I was surprised by the pictures of same-sized triangles and mentions of geometry.
Whether applied to geometric shapes, results of a scientific study, or our own lives, the concept of congruence is exactly the same. Are things in agreement or harmony? Is there compatibility, or not? So in the context of our lives, instead of angles being the same, we're looking at things like: Does the way you view life and work align or agree with the way you are living and the work you are doing? Is there harmony between your personal philosophy of what makes meaning in life and the things you are doing on a day-to-day basis? And if complete and total harmony feels like too big a hill to climb (because it is), do your ideals and actions at least feel compatible most of the time?
The concept of congruence applied to people and their inner guiding beliefs and how those do (or don't) align with the ways they show up in the world hits the nuance that the advice to "do what you love" falls so short on. For example, let's say you value having time for your creative work but also still need income to cover the expenses of being a human living in the world, so you take a paid job that has set hours and doesn't feel totally mentally draining to you. Will you LOVE the paid work—perhaps not. Is this arrangement congruent with your desire to reserve both time and your best mental energy for your creative work, while also not feeling stressed out about money for basic needs—absolutely.
While using the lens of congruence beautifully addresses nuance, it can also be easily misunderstood. Take the situation above; there are so many questions this fictional artist person would likely be asked, "But if you didn't work that other job, you'd have more time for your art, right?" "You're so creative, why do you waste time on this other thing," or even the classic, "suffering is art, and art is suffering." The subtext to all of this being, there is NO way you are happy.
Except, what if you are?
Congruent choices and the reasons for them aren't typically well explained in small talk. So when your answer to the classic "so, what do you do?" happy hour/networking question results in looks of confusion or curious questions, it's important to remember that there is courage involved in making life choices from a place of congruence. If you're someone who finds yourself in situations where the choices you've made feel very aligned to you and very misunderstood in the world in general, here are a few helpful tools to keep on hand:
Have a trusted person in your corner. A close friend, a family member, a mentor, a coach—anyone who gets it. This doesn't mean they are making the same decisions as you, just that they understand your framework and can support and cheer you on for the congruent choices you've made.
Practice your answers. It sounds silly, but if there are those casual questions you always get asked that you feel like you fumble through—plan out how you're going to answer them. Also, if you don't want to explain your deeply congruent choices to someone you just met, practice a pleasant redirect as well. (Formula: short/succinct answer followed by intriguing question like: what's the most interesting book/podcast/movie you've encountered lately).
Get quiet. Check in with yourself occasionally—are you still in congruence? Is there something you want to change? It's okay to morph and shift and change. Yesterday's choice doesn't have to be today's. Give yourself some space every now and then to check in.
What you know is the right decision for you might not fit a common framework that the world holds—and while that's okay, it doesn't mean that kicking against convention is always easy. Here's to finding the deep courage to commit to the constant process of defining and aligning our views of the world and showing up in congruence even when it all feels a bit misunderstood.
Community Conversations
The last Healthier Hustle article was about transitions—big, small, and in-between. There were some really thoughtful insights in the comments. Sharing a couple here (here's a link to the full article and full comments, to do a deeper dive):
Thoughts on being an adult in the midst of transition, while also parenting a child through transition from
(who writes ):It’s strange to think about both myself as a person and myself as a mother (to my child and my body) who are both on the precipice of change and that that change is hurdling towards us quickly and not in uniform shape.
Thoughts on frameworks we set up for ourselves and how those are affected by transition from
:The human solution is framing. People, both individually and groups, from lone wolf incels and hermits all the way up to massive organizations and cultures, inhabit various frames. A frame is a scheme of interpretation made up of myths, stories, narratives, stereotypes, labels, and filters through which people view the world, simplify it, and make sense of it to the degree that action is possible . . .
Transitions are changes in frame. Even a tiny alteration in one's frame has huge implications to a massive number of variables. The entire hierarchy of one's being, from what's most important at the top all the way down to the bottom, gets re-juggled. And that's no small matter.
Mindful Moment
Speaking of getting quiet, here's a meditation I really enjoyed recently (got to love a morning meditation that encourages not jumping right out of bed):
I would love to hear your thoughts about congruence. Have you made a choice that is so very right for you and so very misunderstood by conventional society? How do you stay strong in that choice?
The "But if you didn't work that other job, you'd have more time for your art, right?" question has some parallels (more geometry) to Jennifer Breheny Walllace's book "Never Enough." She focuses on how the achievement culture impacts mental health. For example, why don't you do more, more, more with your art?, which can make you feel like you aren't enough.
This reminds me of the way Glennon Doyle describes integrity--when your outside actions match your inside values or voice. Love the way you turn your essay into a meditation--I'm going to be rereading this one.