Sometimes We Just Sit With It
On fighting the urge to fix everything for everyone
Today, I want to talk about NOT fixing things.
I realize that this might seem counterintuitive given the topics I often write about in this space: learning, growing, self-awareness. Ideas about nurturing habits, creating patterns, and establishing routines that support you in creating whatever you share with the world.
But it's exactly this counterintuitive aspect that makes this discussion of not doing important. Life doesn't always fit into a neat list of actionable steps forward; it's often a messy back-and-forth tango full of two left feet and no one taking the lead.
And sometimes, in the middle of that dance, figuring out a path forward doesn't feel useful. In fact, we might already know the way out of the muck but just not be in a place where that feels actionable. When we're in the middle of a 'the only way out is through' type of situation, sometimes all we want from someone else is their presence. A listening ear. An acknowledgment that we are seen and heard.
And wow-zers, is this “sitting with” hard to do.
Solutions, brainstorming sessions, the best next steps forward, and FIXING all feel like they will help. That they will make this awkward/painful/angry/mournful moment go away and make this person we care about all better. We want people to feel better, to suffer less, to realize their innate wisdom-beauty. So it's hard to accept that what might be most helpful to them is not providing a fix at all.
But just sitting side-by-side amidst the mess without trying to clean it all up.1
Community Conversations
The very same day I published my last post,
posted similar thoughts over at . I love "great minds think alike" moments like this. She had this to say about my post: "The afterglow!! What a beautiful way to frame this feeling. I love how you paired the feeling with the discipline that's often required to arrive at the feeling. Much to think about..."I love this succinct wrap-up of that same post, from
"Feeling follows action."I shared this story about Cinamen the Cat in my Things of Beauty list last week, and
commented, "I am smitten with the feline trail guide, Cinamen. Animals are miraculous."Mindful Moment
I’ve been trying out the One Sec App this week. It prompts you to take a deep breath before opening social media and also gives you a little stat about how many times you’ve accessed the app in the last 24 hours. I struggle more with mindless scrolling once I’m in the app than opening it too much in the first place— but this has certainly been an interesting experiment in habit interruption.
Squirrel of the Week
I love that people see squirrels or squirrel-themed things out in the world and think of me. Apparently, there is a restaurant in Savannah, GA called Squirrel’s Pizza. While just knowing that exists seems awesome enough— just look at this swanky squirrel decor. Huge thanks to Sierra Pollard for sending this my way!
I’d love to hear your thoughts on not fixing things. Are there times when you don’t want solutions? Have you ever found yourself working to solve a problem for someone else when that isn’t really what they need? (I know I have!) How do you discern when to sit and when to help? (My thoughts on this in the footnote, below.)
You might be asking: but how do I know when to sit with and when to help? Sometimes you’ll know, but a lot of times it’s unclear. So just ask- if a friend is going through a tough time and talking to you about it and you feel yourself coming up with all the ways in which you would like to “fix” the situation— just ask them if they would like help with solutions or just a listening ear. And also know that none of us gets this right all the time. We try to fix because we care deeply, give yourself and others grace when they don’t get it quite right.