The Age of Obligation

Except is it really just about obligation or are we also distracted?

More than ten years ago in a grad school class about adult development I distinctly remember my professor talking about a particular theory that referred to the age range from about 35-45 as the “age of obligation.” I think it may have been Daniel Levinson’s, Stages of Adult Life— but I’m honestly not 100% sure, so don’t hold me to that. While the details, like specifically who authored the theory and what it was called, seem to have escaped my mind (and eluded a quick Google search) the concept has stuck with me over the years.

Obligation.

The context I think about it most in is in relation to friendships. I went to grad school in my early 30s and I think I was already starting to feel the shifts in relationships. The slow decline of last minute plans in favor of scheduling things a few weeks out. The addition of houses and children and careers in varying degrees. The theory explained it perfectly— everyone is so obligated, of course it’s nearly impossible to connect.

Except, is that really it?

As I sat down to write this, I found myself wondering if I’ve leaned too hard on this idea of the age of obligation all these years. Like it’s some rite of passage that I’ll move through and miraculously emerge in my mid-60s with a circle of friends ready for spontaneous Wednesday night dinner parties. Obligations gone. Bring on the canapés. (Because not only are we un-obligated, we’re fancy too).

I wonder if it has always been easier to tell myself that it’s just a phase than to admit that maybe there’s more at play than age. Sure, once the constructs we have as teenagers and young adults are gone most of us lose the power of proximity. We’re not in classrooms and/or residence halls with our peers anymore. As we advance in our careers, we aren’t surrounded by that cohort of other new hires. But I also wonder sometimes if we’ve added so much to our lives that we’ve lost touch along the way— no matter the stage of development.

There are more ways to connect than ever: video calls, chats, direct messages on any number of platforms, text strings, newsletters, and on and on. We can share little snippets of our lives with the snap of a photo and tap of a button. In some ways we're proximate to more people than ever before.

But are we really saying the things we’d say to a friend over coffee?

I know I’m not. There are things that are too nuanced to truly explain in a text string, even amongst the closest of friends. And while I do strive to be honest and real in what I share online— it’s edited. Sure, I work hard not to edit the emotion out, but it’s never going to be totally unfiltered. I’m going to at least have read it for typos (for which you should be grateful) and likely won’t be able to resist making some other changes while doing so. My point is, these channels don’t substitute for authentic conversations, and yet I’m quick to let them.

Everyone’s so obligated after all.

I have a text message sitting on my phone that needs replying to. I’d been working to find a date, time, and location to meet up with someone I’m excited to chat with about our shared interest in truly prioritizing well-being alongside a career. I’ve let the communication languish. My days got full when I returned from a short vacation during one of the busiest times of the semester and I’ve gone days without picking the text conversation back up.

It’s hard to find the time to connect, yes because we’re all obligated in a myriad of ways, regardless of our age. But also because there are 5,000 digital demands on our attention. But also because of toxic productivity culture that leaves us with to-do lists that will never be done. But also because there is never not an email to answer. But also . . . you get the point, the list could continue ad nauseam.

And yet, now even more than ever, connection feels so necessary. Whether it’s an in-person meet up or a video call with a far-away friend, I crave the face-to-face. The nuance. The eye contact. The expressions that go with the statements. The precious time shared.

And so we have to persevere amidst the false sense of social connection though our apps and ridiculous to-do lists that will never be done. We have to give each other (and ourselves) grace when communications lag and pick that phone back up and schedule that time to meet up.

I want to be obligated to that.

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Things of Beauty

Just a few things that felt particularly soul-nourishing recently (or maybe just made me smile).

• I love Kat Vellos’ book We Should Get Together about cultivating friendships as adults. I picked it back up off my shelf when writing this and think it may warrant a re-read.

• Speaking of friendships, I’m late to this party— but I just finished The Babysitters Club on Netflix. I devoured these books as a kid and this series felt like the absolute best reboot/update. I’m bummed it wasn’t renewed.

• Warm Chickpea Bowls with Lemony Yogurt. This is one of those dishes that feels really fancy, but truly takes very little time to come together. I really liked the cumin, coriander, and garlic seasoning on the roasted cauliflower and chickpeas.

• A super popular 10K race in my city returned in-person this year and it was so fun to be back out there! This re-cap video really captures the energy:

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Would love to hear from you! Have you found nurturing friendships to be hard, too? How have you persevered in setting up those coffee dates? Or maybe you’ve cooked something delicious or seen some delightful squirrels. Would LOVE to hear from you about any and all of this. Leave a comment below!